Breathe
by kurisu christina
Summary: Buffy and Angel's reunion after "Flooded" on BTVS and "Carpe Noctem" on Angel. Angel gives Buffy the strength she needs to keep on going. Sorta-kinda a songfic, with the song "Breathe" by Superchick.


**Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own BTVS or Angel or anything of Joss Whedon's, blah blah blah, because I would be famous if I did. I can dream, anyway… And I have no clue where the quote Angel mentions is from, I heard it in a Willow/Tara fanvideo, so…yeah. Don't own that either.**

**A/N: I know there's a thousand fics on Buffy's and Angel's meeting post "Flooded" and "Carpe Noctem", but they all involve either sleeping together or kissing and crying on a beach (not that I find anything wrong with that, everyone loves Buffy/Angel smoochies), so I decided to try something with it that had a little more talking…and a few smoochies. Please, reviews are welcome, because without them I would wither away and die…plus criticism is good, it makes me a better writer. Even if you want to completely trash this fic and tell me I suck, go ahead :) better a review than none. Oh, and I know I said above there were too many fics with beaches, but there might be one in mine later on…I'm hypocritical that way. **

Angel's POV

My heart was cold and still as usual, but I knew if I had been alive it would have burst from my chest. _"She's alive! Buffy's alive!" _the words still rang in my ears as I waited, listening to the tone of Buffy's phone. It had taken all of five seconds for me to commandeer the phone, and dial Buffy's number from memory.

There was a soft click, and I heard her say, "Hello?"

I stifled an involuntary gasp at the sound of her voice, her even breathing, and shuffling noises as she cradled the phone to her face. "Buffy…it's….I…"

"Angel!" her breathing quickened. "Angel, it's you, you're calling, and I—"

"Cordelia heard from someone—forgot who—and she said you where alive." I said. "I just had to…call. Needed to know it was true." I felt my throat tighten.

There were several rasping gasps at the other end of the phone. "O-Okay." A pause. "Are you okay?"

"I need to see you."

The five words had terrific impact on Buffy, or so it seemed. I heard nothing but silence and a steady stream of wet-sounding gasps that indicated crying. "Me too. I mean, I need to see you. Now. Or, soon, rather, I—"

"Where?" I asked, just wanting to be where she was. "Should I come to you, or do you want to drive to L.A.?"

"In between the two." came the definite answer. A longer silence followed, and I could have sworn I heard Dawn and Giles talking. "How about at this orchard my Mom took me to once? I'm sure it's only an hour away from where you are."

"Address?" More than ever I needed to see her right now, or as soon as I could get. I barely noticed as my hand scooped up a pen and scrap of parchment. I scribbled the address down, disregarding Wesley's yelp of consternation. "I'll be there as soon as I can. I'll leave now."

"Me too." Buffy said. "Angel…I love you."

"I love you."

A click signified the end of the short conversation. I stood, stunned.

"That is an ancient prophecy!" Wesley was fuming and pointing at the scrap of parchment, while Cordelia and Fred looked on with amusement. "What were you writing on it, anyway?"

I brushed past him. "I have to go."

"What?"

"I have to see Buffy…I'm going now." I repeated. My only thought was to get to where Buffy was so I could see her, hold her, and make sure she was safe and unharmed. I didn't even know how she was alive, but it couldn't be good. She must have been trapped in a dimension like mine and then thrown out like I had been. It was different for me; I was a vampire that had lived over two hundred years, but she was just a girl. It would be harder for her than for me to recover.

"Oh…oh." Fred managed. She looked like someone had told her she wasn't allowed to…well, learn, or build things. "That Buffy. The dead one. Why isn't she still dead?"

"Don't know." I strode out the door, limbs numb and moving of their own accord. "I'm going to find out soon."

Buffy's POV

As soon as I explained to Dawn and Giles what was going on I left, without any reason besides Angel. Ever since I had dug my way back to the surface from that grave things had been wrong, and I had been numb. Somehow I thought if I saw Angel everything would be okay. He would make everything okay, like when I had been sixteen. Of course, it was simpler back then.

In an hour and a half I reached the orchard. It was one of those cutesy little places where moms take their kids to pick apples and oranges, plus the fact that it's only ten minutes away from the ocean. When I had been five Mom and dad had taken me here, and I had the best time of my life. That is, until I fell out of a tree.

Waiting there was like after Mom's funeral. I had stood there the entire afternoon because I knew he would be there. I had known Angel would come no matter what had happened the last few times I had seen him. Now I waited because I knew as soon as the sun slipped below the horizon he would be there again.

I settled down against a tree to watch the sunset. Even the magnificent oranges and reds staining the sky were like black and white. Nothing was real anymore, nothing was the same. I felt like my senses were duller. It felt like there wasn't as much love left in me. There was just enough to keep me here as the sky dimmed and became hazy red.

Then he was there; my spine got tingly like it does whenever he got near me, and I got up and turned my head. Twenty feet away, bathed in crimson light, he was there. Solid and real and right.

I couldn't move for a moment, but then I put one hesitant foot in front of the other, taking the first slow step forward. Angel was faster, his stride quickening into a near run. I only got another step before he had his arms around me.

"Buffy." He said, muffled by my hair. I breathed in his comfortable smell and was still. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

He backed away a little and traced a hand down my face. His fingertips brushed my forehead, smoothing back hair as they slid down my face, touching eyebrows, eyelids, and my mouth. His other hand was gliding down my arm until our finger entwined. "Buffy?"

"You're here." My voice cracked. "You came."

After that I lost all control over my legs, arms, and voice. I collapsed and clutched at the grass, shaking but not crying. It was just too much, too much feeling. I hadn't felt everything at once like this, not with love and fear and safety all mixed together. It was like I was feeling everything I hadn't all at once. Angel was there somewhere, holding my body while I trembled. When I calmed down he pulled me closer into his arms, leaning against the tree I had waited at.

"I'm sorry." I said softly. "I didn't mean to scare you—"

"It's okay." he said. Angel stroked my hair as he continued to speak. It felt so good to feel this secure. I was completely wrapped in his arms, one hand still lingering on my face while the other roamed across my head. "Something bad happened to you, it's not your fault."

"Yeah." I said, suddenly remembering why he was here. "I died and came back."

"So I see." I could tell he wanted to ask where I had been, but was afraid I'd be scared to talk about it.

"I was in heaven." I told him slowly, the words forming like they had when I told Spike. "It was peaceful, and it was safe. I was loved there."

Angel pulled away and stared at me with a mixture of horror and disbelief. "You were in heaven?"

"Everything was done." I continued, nodding. "I had saved Dawn and the world, and there wasn't anything else that I had to do. Then…then I woke up in my coffin. I couldn't see or breathe, and I clawed my way out. I thought I had been dragged to another dimension because I…I didn't d-deserve to be in…." Tears unrestrainedly flowed down my cheeks and onto my leather jacket, the old one Angel had given me years ago.

"Heaven." Angel said, finishing my sentence. "Do they know?"

"No, they n-never will." I choked out. "I can't d-do that t-to t-them."

Angel turned me to face him and sprinkled my face with butterfly kisses, tracing my jawbone and gently kissing my forehead. "I know you can't…shhhh…I know, I know…" His arms secured around my waist.

After a minute, face streaked with tears, I frantically pressed my lips to his and kissed him back. He responded instantaneously, and his hands traveled up my back and to my head. It felt so good just to love and be loved back, no restraints. I could feel so much my chest felt like it would burst.

We somehow managed to go from sitting to lying with Angel halfway under me, our legs brushing against each other, still desperately kissing. Suddenly I pulled back, breathing heavily. "Wow."

"Still a spark, after all this time." He concluded, pulling a bit of grass out of my hair.

I nodded, unconsciously yawning. "Uh-huh."

"Are you tired? I should've let you get some sleep before leaving!" Angel said. "I'm so sorry; I didn't think this through at all."

"No, it's okay." I mumbled through another yawn. "Don't get much sleep anyway."

"Nightmares?"

"Of the death-related variety." I admitted ruefully. "Don't worry, I'm fine."

He sighed. "You could sleep here, if you wanted…or in my car. I know it's probably not why you came here, to sleep, but—"

"I'd actually like that." I said. "Maybe if you…y'know, where there, I wouldn't be so scared."

After a quick conversation we got in his car and drove to the beach, than parked right by the shore. "What if the sun comes up?" I asked, flinching at the thought of waking up in Angel ashes.

"Don't worry about that, I don't need to sleep." He said. "Gotten more then my fair share…it's along story that involves my body being switched and me being an old man for a day."

"Huh."

Angel's POV

I watched her as she slept, snuggled in my arms, on my lap. I don't think I knew what else to do.

She had been in in heaven. _Heaven_. Even though it hurt more than anything for her to be gone, at least she had been happy. I could have lived for thousands of years as long as I knew that's she was going to be safe and happy forever. Even if I never actually joined her, I would've always known that.

I looked down at her, seeing the worn lines around her eyes and how frail she was. She seemed smaller to me, less powerful. Knowing Buffy, she'd spent all her time making sure her friends are the ones that were happy. I know that's why she hasn't told them she was in heaven before, because it would kill them. They'd know that she should have stayed there, even if it was worse for them.

The thing I remember most was visiting her grave. I went after the funeral, when the sun set, and I stayed there all night. This time, though, she was the one that was dead, not Joyce. I wasn't telling her that she could keep going without her Mom, that I would stay as long as she needed, that no matter what I'd be there for her. She was dead. Her Mom's funeral was the last time I had ever seen her. I thought I should have known something was wrong, than maybe if I had been there I could have kept her from dying.

I knew I was luckiest man not alive to be able to hold her even though she had died. It made me think of something Cordy had quoted, right before I left to go to the monks after Buffy's funeral;

_"When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you; it's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them. And now every time I reach for that tether I know there's no one on the other end and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness. It feels like piece of me has been ripped off. Just one more time I want to hold her. Ten more seconds—is that too much to ask? For ten more seconds to hold her? But I can't and I won't, so for now…I'm just gonna miss her."_

I actually got those ten more seconds, and minutes more, hours more. I got to have something I'd never done anything to deserve, and Buffy got something she'd never done anything to deserve her whole life. I'd killed people, tormented them, and then spent almost fifty years in the sewers eating rats. She had spent most of her twenty-one years saving people and the world, and even before then she had been the Buffy I knew, just more popular and not a Slayer. Even then, she'd been a good person. As a human I had been a rebel, a useless drunk, but I was the one lucky enough to be around Buffy, to be able to touch her, love her, and be loved back. She had gone to heaven, but been ripped out so she could live, tortured by what she couldn't have again for a long time.

She stirred. "Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Sun's gonna be up in an hour."

"I know."

"Your windows aren't black, you'll be fried."

"I know."

She groaned with effort as she sat up, nose inches from mine. "And I should leave, Dawn's waiting for me to come back."

"Okay." I straightened up. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? I could take a little time off work, or as long as you want, even."

"No." she said, voice tinged with regret. "I need to be strong. I have to do the rest myself."

Buffy started to move, and then swooped down for one last kiss. "I promise I'll call you if I need you to come after all." She said more softly. Then she was gone.

Buffy's POV

I left because I was needed. I left because I knew if I had stayed a minute longer I would have surrendered. I would have left everything to Angel, and let him fix all my problems like he used to. Of course, I couldn't, and I didn't, because I wouldn't go back if I gave up. Sunnydale still needed a Slayer.

All I needed was the strength to keep on going, and Angel had given me that much. The rest was up to me.

_Please tell me you'll fight this fight  
>I can't see without your light<br>I need you to breathe into my life  
>Don't tell me this is goodbye<br>I won't grieve - it's not yet time  
>Each breath breathed is keeping hope alive<em>

_So keep breathing  
>Go on breathe in<br>Keep on breathing  
>Go on breathe in<br>Just breathe_

_Each breath breathed means we're alive  
>And life means that we can find<br>The reasons to keep on getting by  
>And if reasons we can't find<br>We'll make up some to get by  
>'Til breath by breath we'll leave this behind<em>

_So keep breathing  
>Go on breathe in<br>Keep on breathing  
>Go on breathe in<br>Just breathe_

_All you have to do is breathe  
>All you have to do is breathe<em>

_So keep breathing  
>(All you have to do)<br>Go on breathe in  
>Keep on breathing<br>(All you have to do is)  
>Go on breathe in<em>

_So keep breathing  
>Go on breathe it in.<br>Keep on breathing  
>Go on breathe in<br>Just breathe._

_~Superchick, "Breathe"_

**A/N: Okay, I reflect back on this and realize I contradicted my entire rant of similar stories having way too much crying and stuff by writing exactly that, so…meh. I thought Buffy explaining what happened justified the "there'-not-enough-talking" part of the rant. Anyway, it was fun to write :)**


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